I was swimming Monday and had a new revelation about myself.

I swim twice a week.  I'm a poor swimmer but try hard to learn.  I race in a triathlon each summer, so going to the pool is part of my preparation.  (I'm a good runner, mediocre biker, and bad swimmer.)

I was struggling through my second lap when I realized something:  I don't really enjoy swimming.
In fact, I don't really enjoy anything.

To explain, here's what I don't mean:

• I don't mean, "I don't like anything."
• I also don't mean, "I don't do things that I enjoy."
• What I mean is, "I don't enjoy things that I do."  You see, I do things that I enjoy, I just don't enjoy doing them.

Here's why:  Everything that I do (yes, everything) is something that I have to get done, so I can move on and do something else.  

I don't do things for the sake of enjoying them.  I do things because I have to get them done so I can move on and do the next 3 things that I have to get done.  Life has become a list of chores and responsibilities.  I'm never "in the moment;"  I'm always thinking, "I have to hurry and finish this because I have 7 other things to do as well."

It's not that I'm doing things I don't want to do.  If I could re-program my life completely I would probably do exactly what I'm doing now.  It's more that I have the wrong mindset.  I can't settle down and be present in the moment of doing things because I'm more concerned about the things in the future I have to do.

Take swimming, for example.  I don't swim because I enjoy swimming.  I swim because I have to be able to swim so I can do a triathlon.  Do I enjoy triathlon?  Honestly, not really.  I don't really like running, and I'm indifferent to biking.  I like being able to say that I can do triathlons - few people can actually finish a triathlon.  But I don't particularly enjoy the triathlon.

I could enjoy them.  But when I run it's a need to complete so I can race well; I don't enjoy the runs that I do.  When I bike to work it's part of the training necessary as well.  They input is always a means to an end.  Even the end - the race - is merely a means to a different end - the sense of accomplishment, and not being fat at 40.  Everything is a necessary input for something else, never a moment to be enjoyed by itself.

Here's another example:  Landscaping.  I do landscape construction because I like working outside building things.  But when I work on a project my psyche is obsessed with "I need to get this finished because I have to start the next project."  I'm never lost in the moment, enjoying what I do.  

Here's another example:  playing with my kids.  I love my kids.  I value time with them.  But when we're together my mind is flashing ahead to the other things I could be "accomplishing", the to-do list of other things I need to do.  I'm never lost in the moment of enjoying them.


In the pool I tried, tried to be different.  Just to relax, and swim because I enjoyed it.  Not for the race in the future, just for the moment.  To be present where I was.  I can swim!  I can lay in the water and propel myself from one end of the pool to the other!  I can be buoyant and alive in the water!  

I felt more light, a bit like I was floating.  More calm.  Smiling.
Can life be like that?