Is there anything else I can help you with today?

I called the City of Edmonton Information line (311) to ask a question yesterday.  When we were finished the rep asked a final question:  "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"  I've called 311 a few times.  This is the first time I paid attention, but I'm pretty sure that each time the rep finished with that same question.  "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" I'm sure it's part of their script.  Reps are told they must finish each conversation with that same question.  It's the city's attempt to sound and be customer-friendly.  

I heard a radio interview once about the same subject.  This time it wasn't the City, or some mail-order customer service rep.  No connection to Cyber Monday or telemarketers.

It was a ER doctor.  For a month she conducted an informal experiment.  After each case she asked the patient, or the family, "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

That's a pretty open-ended question.  She was aware of the reputation of doctors who are focused more on the case of patients than on the actual patient.  Get one done, on to the next.  Her great fear was each patient opening up with a long list of concerns and fears and put her further behind schedule.  She didn't have time to ask patients if she could help them with "anything else."

The result?  Most people said there was nothing else they needed.  Some did.  Sometimes medical concerns, sometimes non-medical, but important.  Mostly quick questions with easy solutions that put the patient at ease.  Great benefit to the patient, with surprisingly little "cost" to the physician.  And it changed the patient-physician relationship.

What if I asked that question with the interactions I had?  With people I meet for coffee, people I work with?  A basic customer-service question with the people close to me that I seek to serve?  Is there anything else I can help you with?

A lesson from basketball...

I'm not very good at basketball.  I didn't play much when I was young, not enough to hold my own when I play other people.

Once in a while I shoot the ball around.  Mostly I miss.  Once in a while it goes in.  (If you put a monkey at a typewriter...)  Here's what I've noticed though:

If I shoot quickly, without thinking, I miss a lot.

If I focus, aim, think about technique I miss a lot less.  And make a lot more.

I think it applies a lot past basketball.

Like serving others.

If I do it without thinking I'm not very effective. I don't actually do it much - without some intentional thought and planning.  And I don't necessarily do it very well.  

If I think about what I can do it's more effective than just standing around hoping I get a chance to do something. 

Who I can serve?

What can I do?

What's my plan?  Strategy?  What's the difference it will make?

Then focus.  Narrow my eyes, tighten my lips, visualize, then do it.  Narrow my focus to that one thing and block out everything else.  

But if I throw the ball up randomly not much goes in.

So what's my plan for today?

  

I think I'm starting to get it.
I'm spending more time with my family.  I have time to spend with others.  I'm not really good at serving others yet.  But I'm taking the right steps.

I have more family time, definitely.  And when I spend time with them I'm  not constantly thinking about all the other things I have to do.  They get my attention.  Mostly.  Still slip ups, like when I promised Trinity I would play, then phoned my mom for a quick call and talked to her for 45 minutes about a computer problem only to conclude that she paid $4.95 for an empty program on an internet scam.  Mom was happy, Trinity not.  I should have played first like I promised, and called mom second.  

Maybe that's the biggest lesson so far:  You can't serve others if you don't have time.  If you're so busy chasing your own things you can't fit others in.  It's simple math.  

If others are a priority, clean your calendar.  

I have mixed results with other people.  I talked with my sister in law for an hour when delivering presents from my parents; I put tables away at church for a ladies' group. I smile at people more.

I still have lots of my own things to accomplish.  I think it's not so much what I do, but my mindset in doing it.  I get a task, then need to get it done.  But it becomes about the doing-thing, not the people I'm doing it for.

How much can I not book up my life?  That's a dilemma.  I feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, like I'm cheating by not working.  I need to accomplish more.  If I spend too much time with people and what they want me to do then I won't get done what I want/need to do.

Blogging is for me, not you.  It's for me to learn, and you get to hear my thoughts.


(Long period of silence.)

Ok.  Thinking, thinking...

I find myself a lot more relaxed.  I think there are two reasons.  First, I have less to do.  I'm in a season where I'm less busy. Summer was reckless, but fall/winter is quieter.

I spent the last four summers with an ambitious agenda:  run a landscaping business and pastor a church.  It meant really long weeks and no days off.  Family became third, God a distant fourth.  Now summer has ended and I'm still rebounding and catching up on rest.

A lot of my summer (life) was ambition of self. There's a lot of good in owning a business - flexible hours, income, pride - all good things.  But there were all me things.  The hoped-for benefit didn't materialize for my family.  I ended up forgetting the names of my children, feeding the wrong dog, things like that.

I spent all my time looking after my own world.  I had so much to do I had little choice.  Overcommitted.  Trying to survive & succeed. 

Being busy made me uptight.  The sense that I was failing my family caused more stress.  Now I have less to do, and can actually help my family.  It feels a lot better.

Second, I've displaced a lot of "my agenda".  Instead of chronic "I need to do X" I'm just trying to care for other people.  It's a lot more peaceful.

Of course I'm taking advantage of a flexible job.  I spoke at chapel at the girls school yesterday, and I'm blogging at "work" right now.  Not everyone can do that.  

It's nice just to think about others. 


On second thought...
Someone told me it's unrealistic to live by putting others first.  
I agree.  I think it is unrealistic.

However, it's kind of tiring just to live just for yourself.  It probably isn't realistic to live to serve others.  But it sucks to live for yourself.  I did it, and I'm tired and not happy.

That's partly what drives this experiment.  I got tired of chasing my own life, and it didn't bring any satisfaction.  So I'm trying to let go and stop being an SOB, and try to serve others instead.

It's now Friday,  5 days into my 50 Day Challenge to serve other people and live by grace.  To put others before myself.  It's 12:00 Friday night.  I started this exactly an hour ago, but the computer crashed, I re-installed the mouse driver, and I had some coffee and chocolate.  Darcia will roll over in bed and wonder why I'm not home soon...

5 days is enough to have a few observations.  

1.  It takes lots of time to put others first.
My primary people to serve is my family.  I work evenings and weekends a lot (only retail staff and pastors get to say that).  So I spend some days with my family to make up for it.
Monday was a holiday.  Darcia and I spent it doing errands, and had a great lunch together (104 St Grill, Contest winner!!!).  Monday was good.

Tuesday I worked in the morning, then volunteered with Trinity's class at school in the afternoon.  Then I took the girls home, did homework/supper/basketball/flyers/storytime/walkthedog.  The whole time I was thinking "What about the things I want to get done?"  The whole time was for them. 

If you want to serve others, it takes time.  Check out of your own agenda.  Put your own life on hold.  Truly leave work.  If I do more for others I do less for me.

I felt a bit cheated because my day disappeared, and I didn't get my agenda done.  I have a bit of guilt for not "working" or "accomplishing things".  
Why is "working" more important than time with my kids?  Why is it hard to displace myself for their sake?  Wouldn't it be nice if time with my kids was the thing I delighted to do and not felt guilty for?
To be honest, half the time I wasn't missing work.  I was missing meaningless waste time.  Sports updates, checking email that doesn't matter, reading stories on the internet.

Simplify your expectations.
When I try to fit a million things into my schedule I set myself up for failure.  I have 16 things to do before I get home for dinner.  Then I eat quickly and leave.  Where is the time for people?  There isn't any.  All I can do is get the task done.  I see people if they are the task; but then they're a task and not a person, and I'm not honouring them, I'm accomplishing an agenda or to-do list.

I've got a boundary issue, where I add things to do, thinking if I admit I can't do more I'm a failure.  It's screwy thinking. And it keeps me overcommitted and forgetting the important things.  If I try to do less I can afford the time with people.

Far too late at night now to even get grammar right.  Found an interesting article on attachment parenting as a distraction to read.  Should be sleeping now instead so I can have a nice morning.  Not coherent.  Hope I can drive safely still. Later.

50 Days of Serving Others

I wonder if life can be lived differently.
It's a question more than a statement.  I think I live my life one way - the same way most people do.  About me.  For me.

I wonder if it can be lived differently:  for other people.  Putting others first.  Using my time to build up other people.  

I talk about it a lot, and tell people it's a higher way of living.
I long to be a person who is more caring and giving, and less thinking about myself.
Mostly, I think Jesus lived this way.  I think this is the way God intended for people to live, Jesus taught this, and therefore, I can do it.  That it's not just a better way to live, it's the right way to live.

Matthew 20.25 "You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave."

Matthew 6.25 "That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?26 Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?"

Matthew 8.18 "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man* has no place even to lay his head."

I talk about it easily, but I don't think I practice it very well. Most of my time and thinking is about me and my ideas, my plans, my ambitions. Even when I'm with other people, I'm often not with them - I'm distracted by other things I'm doing. 

50 Days. 

There are 50 days from now until the end of 2012.
The goal: Live outside of myself for the next 50 days.
Be as conscious as I can to put others first, serve others, be a slave to others.

I don't know how possible it is, frankly. But it's an experiment to try.

It will start with my family. I'm in a big time-deficit with my family after a busy summer. So Darcia comes first, and Terra and Trinity next. Whenever they want me to do something, I have to say Yes. I'm looking for ways to serve them. That's the deal.

Then other people. The rest of my family (brothers, parents), and friends and church (mostly the same people). Not, "Here's what I need you to do" but, "What can I do for you?"

Yes, as I write, I realize it's totally unrealistic. But it's the goal. 50 days.

Watch the journey
I'll blog as I go. Mostly because I'm a lazy person. Normally I tell people something on Sunday, then forget all about it as I get ready for the next week.

Blogging keeps me accountable, and keeps it in front of my mind. Every day or two I'll write something. It will be something I did to serve others (feel free to tell me how nice I am...), and more often, how it was unnatural for me to do it.

For example: I read the news on my phone while my kids are going to bed, instead of tucking them in. I know it's stupid. But I do it more often than not. That kind of stuff.

It will be a public journal more than anything. Journalling is how I process. So I'll write about my day to reflect on who I am, and how I change (hopefully) along the way.

Twitter, too.
I joined Twitter just for this exercise. Follow me @wayne_hoover I'll give more frequent - and shorter - tweets about my processing. Micro-journalling.

It's not about "you should do this too."  This is about  me.  About trying to be the person I think I should be.  You just get to watch, if you're interested.  Overhear the voices inside my head.  That's all.