(Long period of silence.)
Ok. Thinking, thinking...
I find myself a lot more relaxed. I think there are two reasons. First, I have less to do. I'm in a season where I'm less busy. Summer was reckless, but fall/winter is quieter.
I spent the last four summers with an ambitious agenda: run a landscaping business and pastor a church. It meant really long weeks and no days off. Family became third, God a distant fourth. Now summer has ended and I'm still rebounding and catching up on rest.
A lot of my summer (life) was ambition of self. There's a lot of good in owning a business - flexible hours, income, pride - all good things. But there were all me things. The hoped-for benefit didn't materialize for my family. I ended up forgetting the names of my children, feeding the wrong dog, things like that.
I spent all my time looking after my own world. I had so much to do I had little choice. Overcommitted. Trying to survive & succeed.
Being busy made me uptight. The sense that I was failing my family caused more stress. Now I have less to do, and can actually help my family. It feels a lot better.
Second, I've displaced a lot of "my agenda". Instead of chronic "I need to do X" I'm just trying to care for other people. It's a lot more peaceful.
Of course I'm taking advantage of a flexible job. I spoke at chapel at the girls school yesterday, and I'm blogging at "work" right now. Not everyone can do that.
It's nice just to think about others.
On second thought...
Someone told me it's unrealistic to live by putting others first.
I agree. I think it is unrealistic.
However, it's kind of tiring just to live just for yourself. It probably isn't realistic to live to serve others. But it sucks to live for yourself. I did it, and I'm tired and not happy.
That's partly what drives this experiment. I got tired of chasing my own life, and it didn't bring any satisfaction. So I'm trying to let go and stop being an SOB, and try to serve others instead.
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